Hating the Burden (Substitute Your PC Word Here)

I laid down on my bed tonight and cried after my youngest son went to bed.  Not just a little cry, but a full-on sobbing fit.  It was one of those days today.  One of those non-stop autism days. 

TL spent the day being stuck on certain things (perseveration), being defiant, needing sensory input, and just being plain ol’ difficult.

This all culminated with a battle over the clipping of his toenails.  TL has always fought us on clipping his toenails.  We have tried every bit of advice we could get our hands on with little or no success.  Clipping them while he was sleeping didn’t work.  Using the nail scissors didn’t work.  Using a soft nail file/buffer didn’t work.  The problem is that he doesn’t want his toes touched—at all.  They are very sensitive from all the toe walking he does and the skin on his toes often gets dry and irritated.

But, we finally have had some success with a reward/motivator/distraction technique; we let him play with some magnetic toys that had belonged to his brother.  He is only allowed to play with them during nail time, so they keep him busy while I do the clipping…that is, until tonight.

Tonight, TL was just not having it.  He fought and kicked and screamed and cried and scratched and swung around the whole time. He finally wore himself out enough that the toys looked good again and he gave up. He didn’t fight me again until I rubbed some lotion on his dry toes. He went to bed exhausted and I collapsed out of exhaustion in my bed.

I cried uncontrollably and lie there hating autism, hating the simple chores that turn into wars, hating the behaviors that are not easy to explain or deal with, hating…the burden.

I know that "burden" is a word that will set off a few people, but sometimes that is the best word to describe it.  There are others:  challenging, relentless, daunting, overwhelming, frightening, all-consuming...

I also know God is there to help me. But when I am restraining a very strong preschooler from kicking my pregnant belly, I don’t always feel Him.  Instead, I feel the weight of this burden of autism.  Having two sons has widened my view of autism, but it has also widened my load. 

I still praise God for the blessings that have come with autism and my two beautiful boys, but I also get exhausted…exhausted from carrying such a heavy burden. I just have to learn to put the burden down more often and rest in Him.  Only He can restore my soul and get me recharged for the next day–the next battle.

So, tonight I cried and I cried and then, I got ready for tomorrow.