Mad at Autism

I really do try to be understanding to my boys.  I try to be understanding about autism.  I try to be understanding about their behaviors.  I do try.  But there are some things that just throw me.  They seem small at first, but when they sink in they rock me to the core.  Like today.

My youngest, TL broke his sandals tonight, so we needed to go out and buy him new ones.  It had to be tonight because he has therapy tomorrow and then goes to school.  We decided to walk as a family to a shoe store about a ½ mile away.  We put TL in his stroller and went on our way. 

After going through millions of pairs, we found the one for him.  We paid for them, put the box under the stroller, and started home.  About halfway home, my husband realized that TL had been dragging his foot on the street and sidewalk.  He had worn a hold in his sock and cut open his big toe. 

Why did this throw me?  I mean he just dragged his foot.  No big deal, right?  The big deal was that he didn’t feel it happening.  Something that would make you and I limp home was nothing to him.  How far would he have gone like that?  How big of scar? 

He probably didn’t notice because he always toe walks.  This wears down his toenails and toughens the skin on the tips of his toes.

I started crying on the way home.  I don’t even know why.  Maybe it was the fact that he didn’t realize he hurt himself.  Maybe it was the fact that he needed that “sensory input.”  Maybe I was just mad…mad at autism.

Gosh, how many years have I seen these things that autism does?  How many years of therapies, IEPs, books, articles, assessments, and explanations?  And still, I am mad at autism. 

I know I will feel better later.  I will try to look at the blessings my boys are.  But, darn it, right now I am so mad at autism

Walking By Faith

“But when he saw that the wind was boisterous, he was afraid; and beginning to sink he cried out, saying, “Lord, save me!” And immediately Jesus stretched out His hand and caught him, and said to him, “O you of little faith, why did you doubt?” (Matthew 14:30-31)

“You of little faith”…gosh, He could be talking to me!  So many times I have felt like Peter:  like when things look difficult or when choices seem impossible or when I am “rocking the boat.”  Sometimes, in those moments, I crumble from the fear and the worry.  I start to sink in those rocky waves.

But Paul reminds us, “…we walk by faith, not by sight” (2 Corinthians 5:7).  Walk by faith?  Yeah, walk by faith.  God is there for me and will always comfort me.  He has been where I have yet to go and knows every twist and turn by heart.  I simply have to walk by faith.  “Simply,” yeah right, anything but.

Yet, this is what my family has been doing this past month—walking by faith.  So many changes have come our way and there are dozens of unknowns that could cause a summer full of sleepless nights.  Yet, they don’t.  We have decided to walk by faith.

God will take us where we need to go or show us where we don’t.  There will be missteps and doubts along the way (we are human), but I hold strong to walking by faith.  As we embark upon middle school for TJ, prepare for TL’s transition to school district services, and leave the church we have called home for 6 years, we walk by faith.

We just ask one favor, though:  keep us in your prayers.