Short End of the Stick

My youngest son, TL, is a HANDFUL.  Ok, that’s putting it mildly.  His body is in constant movement and his mouth is forever moving.  He has a lot going on in his little mind and it just overwhelms his 4-year-old body.

But he is a sweet boy. He loves to play (not share, but play!) and loves to talk. He loves to be read to and he has a very active imagination…maybe too active.

You see, he also like to tell “stories” –fibs, lies, whoppers—whatever you want to label them.  It can be hard to sometimes tell what is true and what is part of his imagination.  His teachers, in particular, have had a hard time telling fact from fiction.

Here’s my favorite one:

Teacher: “I heard you’ve got some moves!”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Teacher: “TL was dancing on the playground and when we asked him where he learned to dance like that he said his mom taught him.”

TL chimes in: “Yeah, mom, like this” and he starts to dance while shaking his booty in the air. 

If you know me, you know I have never danced this way.  No twerking for this girl.

Anyhow, he has been in the same class for almost 2 years and the teachers have finally begun to see that many of his outlandish stories are works of fiction.  That’s good—um, maybe not. 

He has become the “boy who cried wolf.”  Now, when I bring up a concern about something TL says happened in class I get the response, “well, I’m sure it didn’t happen like that, but I will keep an eye out.”

Ugh!!!  Look, my son tells great stories, but it is pretty easy for me to figure out when it is the truth: I ask questions.  Usually the fictional stories will end up involving aliens, cartoon characters, him driving a car…some kind of dead giveaway.  Yet, trained professionals think they can just dismiss something my son says another child said to him?  His story did not change when I asked him about and it did not change when my husband asked about it.

But, much of life and our relationships is built on trust and it can be hard to trust a really good liar. What do I do? I can’t make people trust him. The incident from above is not something worth pursuing unless it repeats, but I am still angry!  Why does he get the short end of the stick with something he can’t control?  We have been told that his imagination is so active that he sometimes has a hard time keeping it out of the “real” world.  We have been over all the highlights of why lying is wrong and he usually ends the discussion with, “what is lying, mommy?”  Cue palm hitting forehead.  

He doesn’t know he is doing something wrong.  He thinks he sharing a lovely tale he wove together. He doesn’t understand trust and truth.  He’s 4!!!  He’s autistic!!!  Give him a break not the shaft! Ugh!

Black and White

There are some people that see things as either one way or another. That describes my youngest, TL, completely. Take what happened yesterday. My husband took the boys to The Tech Museum and TL overheard that food and drinks were not allowed inside. This was all he needed to know.  He soon was telling total strangers that they were not supposed to have food there. He didn’t make room for exceptions and didn’t know how to ignore the lawbreakers.  It was simply black and white.

It’s like that a lot in our house. The whole process of explaining strangers to TL has been daunting. The social exceptions, like the old lady commenting how cute my daughter is or the man lifting his hat (people still do that!?) and saying good morning, are all lost on him. He takes these interactions to mean he can talk to any stranger. Then if we explain that a certain person is a stranger, that means all people that look this way are strangers. Or that kids can’t be strangers.

Concrete thinking. That’s what this style is called by professionals. Everything is literal and hyperboles can result in some really amusing misunderstandings. Rules are rules and if he has to follow them (though he rarely does) then so should everyone else. He kind of exemplifies the saying “do as I say and not as I do!”

What makes things even more difficult with TL is that he is VERY outspoken.  He has no problem sticking up for himself and voicing his opinion.  This can be a bit embarrassing at times. Like the time he shouted at a lady pushing a grocery cart down the street with her child sitting in the large part of the cart.  Oh, my, did he have lots to say then.  “Why are you pushing that cart?” “You’re not in a grocery store!” “Why is the kid riding there?” “That’s dangerous. He should not do that.” He was right on all accounts but…it was not his place.

Or was it? Maybe we need more people that see things for what they are and will speak up when something is wrong. Maybe we are supposed to gently guide outspoken children into the activists, preachers, leaders, of tomorrow.  

Maybe instead of using black and white thinking in our labels, we could see that each person has a value higher than we could ever imagine. Instead of dwelling on the embarrassing episodes, we can remember that someday we view those memories as the start of someone really, really  great!